Brotherhood of Bald People

[rich_g]

What do you call a midget fortune teller on the run from the cops?

A small medium at large.
_________________
- Rich G.

2010 - The Year Of The Brotherhood !!!

[KC]

I'll have to remember that the next time I'm the Jokemaster at my Toastmaster's meeting.

[rich_g]

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
_________________
- Rich G.

2010 - The Year Of The Brotherhood !!!

[KC]

[Rickenbacker]

[kflatfoot]

They are such a hoot to deal with.
_________________
Smith: Why, Why Mr Anderson? Why do you persist?

Neo: Because I chose to.

[KC]

[Julie]

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk amongst us!***

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*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

***They walk among us!!***

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'

***They Walk Among Us!!***

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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!***

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***

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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***

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While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce !!!!
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Carpe Diem "Seize the Day"

[rich_g]

Saw this one today:

A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.

"God? You there, God?" he asked

"Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered.

"Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked.

"Go ahead, my son, anything."

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God answered, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny."

The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question.

"God, can I have a penny?"

God answered, "Sure, give me a second."
_________________
- Rich G.

2010 - The Year Of The Brotherhood !!!

[Julie]

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband

is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs

to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup

of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought,

just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip

of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers

as she steps into the room,

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering

when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.

You were only 16.

Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how

caring and sensitive her husband is. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember

when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself

into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved

that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter,

or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too" she replies softly.



He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have gotten out today."
_________________
Carpe Diem "Seize the Day"

[Rickenbacker]

Okay, Julie...bust my chops, delete this if you need to. Yes, it's a little close to the edge, but it's the first joke that made me laugh out loud uncontrollably in years!

I checked into a hotel the other night. I told the desk clerk "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled". He looks at me, wide-eyed, and said "No, it's regular porn you freak!"
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In memory of our friend, Waliguy

[ShavedJoey]

[rich_g]

GOD AND LAWN CARE

GOD:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
_________________
- Rich G.

2010 - The Year Of The Brotherhood !!!

[ShavedJoey]

[kflatfoot]

That's good and oh so true. We try not to get too wrapped up in that cycle.
_________________
Smith: Why, Why Mr Anderson? Why do you persist?

Neo: Because I chose to.