Brotherhood of Bald People

[waliguy]

There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted hand-kerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a$$ and go as a caramel apple!"

[Rickenbacker]

Two muffins were in the oven getting baked. One turned to the other and said "Wow, it sure is hot in here!". The other one said "AAAAGHHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!".

[adam_thrasher]

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
_________________
BBC 4.2005

[Homebody913]

Then there is the walrus who takes his car to get fixed.
While he is waiting for them to tell him what is wrong, he heads across the street to do some shopping, and ends up having an ice cream Sunday.
Then he heads back to the mechanic, pleased as punch with himself for making such good use of his time.
When he walks in the mechanic looks up and says, "it looks like you blew a seal."
and the walrus wipes his mouth and replies, "no it's just ice cream"

[waliguy]

A bald guy walks into a bar, turns to the noticably short bartender, and says "Hey midget, gimme a beer!"

The bartender gives the man a beer, but tells the man not to refer to him as a midget.

A few drinks later, the guy turns to the bartender and again says, "hey midget... gimme another beer!"

The bartender gets upset and warns the man about calling him a midget, but gives him his beer.

After the thrid time this happens, the bartender says, "Hey! I told you to stop calling me a midget! How would you like it if I called you 'baldy' if our positions were reversed?"

The guy thinks about it and admits that he wouldn't mind. The bartender disagrees, and ultimately they agree to switch positions to let the man see how it feels.

The bartender moves to the front of the bar, and the guy moves to the back. The bartender says, "Hey baldy, gimme a beer!"

The guy leans over the bar and says, "Sorry, but we don't serve midgets here."

[adam_thrasher]

A man comes home one night and walks in his bedroom with a sheep tightly clutched under one arm.

His lazy wife lying in bed peers up at him while he proudly announces, "here is the pig I've been screwing!".

The wife winces at her husband and says "Thats not a pig you idiot, its a sheep".

The man looks down at his wife and simply says "I wasn't talking to you"!
_________________
BBC 4.2005

[ShavedJoey]

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach.
The sand is purple. He can't believe it. The sky is purple. He
walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple
birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He's shocked when
he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too. "Oh no!" he
says, "I think I've been marooned!"

[SpeedoApe]

[SpeedoApe]

You know how to catcha polar bear?
its pretty easy. you cut a hole in the ice and sprinkle peas around it. then you go hide. when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.....
_________________
It took a village to raise this idiot....

[trplyr]

Marriage is not a word but a sentence.

[Rickenbacker]

A skeleton walks into a bar. He says "Give me a beer and a mop".

[LOAFER]

Doctors have confirmed that Heather Mills the estranged wife of Sir Paul McCartney is unstable.
Sir Paul said, “Thats OK when ever she gets like that, I put two beer mats under her left foot”

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Paul McCartney bought Heather Mills a plane in an attempt to settle the divorce.
'Thats lovely Paul' she said 'but how am I going to shave the other leg'

[LOAFER]

I've been in love with the same woman for 22 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

Someone stole all her credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she wanders off to the shops.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for a week.
Then the mud fell off...

[Rickenbacker]

[LOAFER]

I went to The White House to cut The Presidents hair the other day. I said to the marine guard,
'Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut The Presidents hair?'
The guard said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back!!!!'
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I went into my local DVD rental shop yesterday, and the man asked if I'd like to rent Batman Forever -
I said 'No...just for 2 hours!!!!!!
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Two fish in a tank, one says to the other, how do you drive this thing...
+==============================================
I see Sky satelite TV have won the rights to show the World Origami Championships, trouble is it's only on paper view !

Unfortunatly there is lots more where they came from